Saturday, February 6, 2010


I have been reminiscing a lot recently.  I think I have a perspective on motherhood that many first time mother's do not have.  I feel like sometimes I look at motherhood the way a  mother who was on her last child would, rather than someone who is at the beginning of their family.  Now don't get the wrong idea, I am certainly not nearly as calm, cool, and collected as a seasoned mommy.  No siree.   I am just as neurotic, anxiety filled, and clueless as many first time mom's are...maybe more so if I am being honest with myself.  What I mean is that I  look at every milestone and sweet memory with Perron as if it could be my first and last time to experience it.   Now Stephen and I hope and pray that one day we will be able to add another baby to the family, but the reality is that might not be what God has in store for us.  It was difficult to get pregnant for us and saying that my body and pregnancy don't go well together would be the understatement of the century.  We would really have to weigh not only the risks to myself, but also the risks that my issues could cause the baby.  I would never want to do anything that would put a baby in danger because I was selfish and wanted another child.  We got so lucky with Perron being as healthy as he has been.  What if the second time I was tempting fate?  What if next time we weren't as lucky as we have been this time?  I would never forgive myself.  But I digress, this discussion wasn't the original intent of my post.

Because of this unique perspective, I find that I try and savor things with him.  I hug him a little tighter, hold him a little longer, play with him a little more because the truth is, this might be the only time I get to do these things.  I want to try and remember everything about him being this little and needing me so much.  I want to remember this time when I am his favorite person and there is no one that he loves more than me (I will need this to get me through the teenage years).  I want to remember what it feels like to hold him so close and feel his little breath on my cheek.  It is such a magical time and we have come so far.  Stephen's older brothers are twins and were born premature.  I remember his mom and dad telling us when Perron was first born that we would soon forget what it was like to have him be so small.  I remember looking at him in his NICU bed and thinking that how could that be true.  How could I ever forget holding something so tiny.  But it is true.  I barely can remember that little tiny 3 pound creature that I held in my arms so gingerly just a short six months ago.  While a part of me will never forget that, it is amazing how quickly those  memories fade away.  Now all I see is the big boy he has become.  Rolling over, starting to sit up, smiling and laughing all the time.

I was cleaning out his drawers getting clothes ready to donate and I came across this.

The little blue pants are the first pants he ever wore.  They were huge on him and made him look like a baby Eurkel.  I remember putting them on him for the first time and thinking what a big boy he looked like.  They are lying on top of a pair of jeans that fits him perfectly right now.  Even though those jeans are only size 0-3 months, they are still a sign of how far we have come. 

Now that is perspective.

1 comment:

  1. I am right there with you! I have had to come to the reality that I may never get married again and therefore will have no more children. It is heartbreaking but it certainly does give me a different perspective on life.